I don’t post much about my personal life online. The primary reason is that (for the sake of transparency) I am a business owner, and I’m not fully comfortable with the people I work with and that work for me knowing the ins and outs of my personal life. However, this month I’m challenging myself to really get out of my comfort zone, so for tonight I will make an exception.If anyone had run into me around this time last year, they probably would have been left with the impression that I had my life together. I was running my own business. I had a fancy loft downtown. I wore the suits and went to the conferences and travelled to all the pretty cities. On the outside, there’s always a lot glitz and glamour around entrepreneurship. What someone probably would not have recognized, however, was that I was going days in a row without eating. Without sleeping. That my primary diet consisted of alcohol and protein bars, and I spent hours upon hours upon hours of every week breaking down the numbers of my business, trying to understand what I was doing wrong and how I was suppose to fix it. It was the first year in my business that I took a TON of risk- and it backfired. I lost a lot of money. I burned a lot of bridges. And I wasn’t sure how to come back from it. However, I still had a business to run- and as the CEO, I could never show my fears- I had to be the brave one.
Being an entrepreneur is my favorite thing in the world. I was born for it, and I know this with every fiber in my being, but I’m making this post because I want anyone else who may ever be in the same situation that I found myself in to be able to learn from my mistakes- and know that there is a time to fight, and there is a time to leave.
Last year, I had gotten to a point where I was severely depressed. Like, bad. I had gotten a concussion earlier in the year which likely contributed, but when my business started struggling, it was as if it all caved in at once. When I turned to my superiors to seek advice, I let myself be vulnerable. I told them what I was going through- without holding anything back- and they told me that I had two options.
1. I could quit if things were to stressful
2. I could not quit, but I couldn’t tell anyone about how I felt, because then no one would ever “respect” me.
From a business standpoint, I understand their perspective. And I do not blame them for their advice. But from a human perspective- how in the world can I run a company if all I’m doing everyday is putting up a facade? And why in the world should I have to leave the thing I love the most simply because I’m going through a hard time? Rough patches happen- ESPECIALLY in entrepreneurship- but that doesn’t mean that we’re suppose to quit. So when these were the options I was handed, I got defensive, and I decided I needed to prove myself.
So I dug myself into a deeper hole. If you’ve ever been in a corn maze at night, this was what my life had become. Except I had 20 people following me so I had to pretend like I knew where I was going and not finding a way out was simply not an option. It was so much pressure. So much stress. And so much GUILT for not being wiser, stronger, and more knowledgeable. So what did I do? I came clean. I decided to start back at the beginning.
Starting over in business was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It was such a major hit to my pride and esteem and I spent about a month just feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in the guilt I felt for not being good enough.
And then I picked myself up. I moved cities, leaving behind the loft I loved so much in the city to move to Minneapolis (so cold!) into a house in the suburbs with EIGHT other people, and I spent two months rediscovering myself. I read a ton of books. I wrote A LOT. I went on runs, I meditated, and I stopped taking all forms of medication. And, slowly but surely, I found myself again.
I knew in my heart that running a business was where I needed to be. I love the connection. The challenge. The climb. The process. The wins- big and small. So I decided, despite my bruised ego, that I wasn’t going to let one bad year define me and the legacy I am creating.
So I moved to California with my boyfriend/best friend/now business partner, and I started over. I built up a new business, I found new partners, and I decided that, this time, I would do things better.
Since I’ve moved, there’s definitely still been a fair amount of failures. Campaigns that never fully launched. Employees that left that I wish would have stayed. Months that I wish would have ended with higher margins. But I’m here. And I’m fighting. And every single day I’m growing. I’m building an office founded on principles that I’m proud of- a place where, if my father were to come and visit, I know that he would be proud to.
And do you know what else? I eat all three days a meal now- and I’ve even learned to cook (sort of). I sleep 6 hours a night without medication, I have a partner who supports me and pushes me, and two puppies that I love to come home to.
I love coming into work each day. I love the people that I work with. And if you had asked me if I had ever pictured myself being in this position a year ago, I would not have even entertained the question.
I am learning that, while this year has not been the prettiest that I’ve lived, it is my story nonetheless, and I’m proud to have lived it. In business and in life, shit happens- and there’s times to fix it, there’s times to move on, but there’s never time to waste looking back and regretting. There is only moving forward. There is only progress.
We Came To Catalyze 